My Application to be Your Kid's Commencement Speaker

Here's some advice to new graduates:

• Always try to keep up with the Jonses. If your friend gets married, try to get married right away, too. If someone you know buys a house, whether you can afford it or not--go buy a house. Not having what "everyone" has is a sign of failure.
• If you don't move to "the big city" you're a failure.
• Learn lots of acronyms, they'll make you sound smart. IRA, LSATs, TPS reports, HUD, CTA, MoMA...if you don't know a bunch of acronyms you're a failure.
• Keep drinking like you do now. If your tolerance fades it's a sign of failure.
• Five years from now employers will care if you graduated with honors, cum laude, summa cum laude, etc. So if you won't graduate with honors, I'm sorry, but you've already failed.
• Congratulate yourself a lot. Make sure to tell everyone about all your successes. People honestly never get tired of hearing how fabulous you are. If you remind people constantly that you're not a failure, then there's no possible way you are one.
• Blow your paycheck. You only live once, right? Right?? Failure.