Answers

Warning--this post contains no irony, no funny pictures, and no wit. You have been warned.

Today is a good day. Not just because it's Thursday and thus, almost the weekend, and not just because the sun is shining. (Although, sunshine will play into this story in a minute) It's a good day because I'm finally starting to get some answers.

In early January I had a small surgical procedure. Although small, it did require general anesthesia and 3 days off work. When I went to my post-op meeting with my doctor 3 weeks later I told him the only problem I was still experiencing was sluggishness and fatigue and I asked if I could still be feeling the effects of anesthesia 3 weeks later. I reported extreme exhaustion--I was ready for bed most nights at 8:30pm. I was a barrel of laughs for poor George Clooney, I'm sure.

After 4 vials of blood, an appointment with my primary care physician, more internet research, a good hard cry (maybe two or three), and two nights of insomnia, I'm happy to report that there are at least 2 physical reasons for my exhaustion. Number one--hypothyroidism. My doctor was reluctant to diagnose this one, but after my research I asked for the more sensitive blood tests and sure enough--viola! My poor little thyroid can't keep up with me!

Number two, also a result of the blood tests: I have a pretty non-existent level of vitamin D. Where does vitamin D come from? The sun. What city does the sun hate the most? South Bend, Indiana. So I was instructed to start taking about a gazillion units of vitamin D daily. Otherwise I'm at risk for rickets. Rickets!!! Thank goodness we found this out now because I would NOT want to end up like Rickety Cricket

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's Rickety Cricket

A Letter to Pottery Barn

Dear Pottery Barn,

Thank you so much for making some very cool home furnishings and accessories. I love looking through your catalogs that you send me twice a week and love seeing how you rearrange the exact same items into dozens of different configurations. You appeal to my materialistic side and I love you for it.

However, I have several points of contention with you. First, you spend a disporportionate amount of money marketing yourself to me than I spend buying your stuff. I do not warrant 2 catalogs a week. Yes, I've bought your stuff in the past, but 2 catalogs a week means I don't even bother glancing through them anymore. I've never really jumped whole-heartily on the "green" bandwagon but my God...that's a lot of paper you're wasting.

Second, I like your stuff but I refuse to have a home that looks like a homogenized version of thousands of other homes.

Last--and this may be hard to hear--but some of your stuff is crap. You sell "rustic barnwood tables." Uh huh. One look at the "details" section tells you all you need to know: made of pine with pine veneer, stained mahogany. Or beds made of "solid hardwood." Which hardwood?? Pine stained mahogany? I know that was harsh and I will admit that you DO sell some legitimate mahogany beds and some legitimate quality pieces. I will also admit that I salivate looking at your serving pieces, your glassware, your dinnerware, and your linens. But you make us work for the real information. For every real mahogany bed you've got an "antique" media cabinet made of engineered wood with birch veneer.

In conclusion, I think we can learn to live together peacefully. Just save yourself some money and cut my catalogs to once or twice a month. That would make me so happy.

Yours truly,
Me

This Means That Roni Will Probably Have Her Own Blog Soon

Roni is clearly her mama's cat: She has a curly whisker.

Buh Bye...

One of my favorite guilty pleasures is no more. That's about as descriptive as I can be. I will have to search out alternate forms of entertainment.

Rest assured that Jersey Shore is still on TV, so it's not the cancellation of Jersey Shore. Girl Scout cookies are still in production so slap yourself for even THINKING of that tragedy!

I Would Not Make a Good Carnival Weight or Age Guesser

If you would've said to me yesterday, "Jessica. Hey, how ya doin'? You look great in yellow, by the way. Hey, how old do you think Elizabeth Taylor is?" I would have responded "Hey, I'm good. Thanks, I love yellow. Hmmm...I'd say Elizabeth Taylor has gotta be like 91. At least."

Elizabeth Taylor was 79.

I'm like a little kid, when you tell them to guess how old you are and they think because they're 5 and little and you're 10 times their size, that you've got to be at least 54 years old.

You Don't Get This at WebMD

I went to the doctor on Wednesday. I was sent back to the room mercifully fast (it might be in my chart to get me in and out quickly, since the last time I was there I made a rather big scene when I waited in the room for the doctor for 45 minutes). The nurse did her business and left the room and I waited for the doctor. Here's what my room had to offer in the way of art and literature:

Grillmeister Apprentice

**NOTE** This post probably won't contain much humor. Feel free to stop reading now.

Now.

I've mentioned how I have amazing friends, right? Well I do. I've only named a handful here but in South Bend my friends include people I've known since college, their family members, friends that survived through long past relationships, THEIR family members, their EXTENDED family members, friends through church...and THEIR family members...friends from work and volunteering...I'm really quite humbled. These friends helped me move 5 times in 8 years. They've joined me in celebrations and hugged me when I've been sad. They've given me many intangible gifts that I oftentimes don't feel worthy to have received.

But this post is about a TANGIBLE gift I received from my friends. Ha! I love stuff. (Remember I'm the girl with 7 sets of dishes) When I bought my house and finally got to move in, my friends presented me with an awesome Weber gas grill. I never thought I'd love to grill as much as I do. Now that the weather is warming up I'm reading more grilling recipes and getting anxious to fire it up. It's relatively fast, the clean up is minimal, the food is scrumptious...what's not to love? I'm still on a learning curve--flank steak looks so easy on the Food Network, mine was like a shoe. A shoe caked with mud. But I make a mean grilled vegetables.

In fact, I'd go vegan if I could eat my grilled vegetables everyday. With a slice of cake, of course. And a Budweiser. And a side of meat.

Boo Hoo

What is sadder than sad underwear?

The answer: sad mittens.

How Does One Know When it's Acceptable to Loot?

Friday night George Clooney and I walked onto the set of "Escape From New York."

It was supposed to be a low key evening: Lenten acceptable dinner at one of my favorite restaurants downtown (seriously--shrimp in chipotle...YUM!) and then maybe a movie or some tv, if I could stay awake.

At the restaurant George and I ran into my friend Neil Diamond and her fiance. (I named Neil before I knew the whole celebrity-name thing would be a "thing") We discussed the downtown St. Patrick's Day tent party happening a few blocks away and our mutual "meh" feelings. And the meh feelings were justified, as drunkies came wandering into the restaurant all night being loud and obnoxious.

After my screaming spicy shrimp in chipotle and a screaming good bottle of wine, George and I tempted fate by deciding to wander closer to the tent party to get a closer look. I don't think my words could describe the scene adequately. There were people wandering all over the streets, looking ridiculous, and most wearing flashing green necklaces. They were yelling: across the streets to each other, within their own circles, down the street to unseen people...

George and I happened upon a fight in progress, which is always awesome. Two guys yelling, screaming f-bombs, pushing each other, and the most serious of all fighting techniques--taking off their t-shirts. We found out as we passed and the 2 guys friends starting walking with us (???) that the guys were just having pizza together, happy as clams. How quickly the circle of life goes 'round, right?

Really all that was missing to make it a perfect apocalyptic scene were trash cans on fire. I asked George Clooney if the city had a loot whistle, something to let the citizens know when we could start looting stores. Because we were in front of Dainty Maid Bakery and I would LOVE to loot that place.

Who Needs Maury Povich??????

This was sent to me by my friend George Costanza
Man, I LOVE South Bend!

I hope the 365 Things to do in South Bend blog girls add this to the list!

1.21 GIGAWATTS!!!!!!!!

Blah blah blah, Fat Tuesday, blah blah, Mardi Gras blah.

So what.

The real party is this Saturday--Daylight Savings Day! It's like time traveling. To the future! But remember that you only time travel one hour. Obama will STILL be the president (good or bad), you will NOT have a bushy white beard, mostly likely your milk will NOT go bad in that hour, and most likely you WON'T wake up with a robot maid.

I'm going to the mall tonight to buy my Daylight Savings outfit.

**Disclaimer: I owe some of the comedy here to my favorite comedien Paul F. Tompkins. http://comedians.jokes.com/paul-f--tompkins/videos/paul-f--tompkins---daylight-saving-time/

No Beads for Me, Please

My friend Emma Roberts (niece of Julia Roberts) sent this to me this morning. I admit that I read the headline on Sunday and moved right on, didn't give it another thought. This is proof that it's the people AROUND me who are interesting.

Taken from the Sunday edition of the South Bend Tribune, South Bend, Indiana:

Girl Scouts Go Wild For Mardi Gras

I think the South Bend Tribune could have done a better job at writing a headline for this story. One that--without reading the article--didn't lead the reader's imagination to run away with itself.


By the way, my friend Madonna recommended that _____ be Emma Roberts. She sent me this picture and I have to say...striking resemblance.

Add "Athlete" to my Resume

I call this photo "Blind Squirrel Finds a Nut"

What do you think of my breakthrough use of Microsoft Paint?

Hi! I'm Jessica's Blog and I'm One Year Old!

Does everyone know what Tuesday was? (Obviously I didn't, since it's Thursday and I'm asking you about Tuesday.) Tuesday, March 2nd, was the one year anniversary of my very first bloggy blog post.

I needed to take a minute and let that sink in. For one year I've been posting my genius. To be exact, I have posted 193 times. Sometimes it was tough: I'd sit in front of my computer with nothing to say. Other times, there were dozens of thoughts that were screaming to be articulated but for the sake of friendships, family...my overall well-being, I could not say anything.

To begin Year Two, I'd like to point out that I think South Bend, Indiana is great. Saturdays are "Make Your Own Parking Spot" days!