Just Sayin'

General rule if you choose to leave your house and be in public: belly buttons--no matter how ripped and/or flat your stomach is--should probably be kept under wraps and should NOT "wink" at me in the grocery store.

Correspondence

Dear South Bend Bureau of Streets,

You posted Temporary Tow Away Zone signs along my street 2 weeks and plowed up all the asphalt. Any idea on when you plan to repave? Now that we've won All American City have we just given up on completing unfinished projects? Just let me know.

Thanks,
Jessica

Dear Little Black Kitten that's been hanging around my house,

I'm not mean and I won't hurt you. Please don't run away when I try to pet you. If you would like to live with me that's fine. Your new name will be Rooster.

Love,
Jessica

Dear Facebook Friends,

I keep track of all my friends. If you unfriend me, that's fine. But you should know that I will begin emailing you everyday to let you know what my status is.

Haha!
Jessica

Dear Kate Spade,

You did not live up to my dreams or expectations. We're breaking up. You're on a third class UPS trip back to New York.

Don't call me,
Jessica

Dear Gap,

I've been a huge fan of your Favorite Ts since about 2000. I buy them faithfully, every season, in basic white and black but also whatever limited color selection you make available that year. It amuses me that with the cult following this t-shirt has, you continually--seemingly ANNUALLY--alter the style, cut, and fit of the shirt. Despite having a drawer full of t shirts that are all the same size on the label, I have skinny tees, baggy tees, long tees, short tees, tees with huge arm holes, tees with tiny little arm holes, tees that are nice and thick, tees that are virtually see-through, tees with high necks and tees with "crew" necks that are more scoop neck.

I'm about one season from starting a quest to find a new favorite basic t shirt. You exhaust me.

Jessica

So Much to Do, So Little Time

As anyone who's ever been part of a wedding party knows, there is much preparation leading up to the event. I know that my preparation as a bridesmaid (and one that lives 500 miles from the wedding site, at that) is nothing compared to the work and planning and creativity and muscle that my brother and his fiance have put into this event. However, as the days tick by I've made a little list of everything I've done to prepare myself to see my little brother tie the knot and a list of all the things I have yet to do.

Done

• Ordered my bridesmaid dress


• Ramped up the running


• Ramped up the diet


• Bought killer high heels that might, indeed, kill me. I'm already 5'10....being 6'2 shouldn't be a big deal but in the heels, I feel safer going down my stairs like a 2-year old: on my bottom.


• Had a trial run for an updo. Um...we'll try again.


• Drooled over the registry


• Learned the rumba! Yep! George Clooney and I will face any of you wedding guests in a rumba-off! Nobody puts Baby in a corner!

To Do:

• Buy up all the limes and mint I can find for the late night mojito bar I'm setting up in my hotel room


• Write down every single embarrassing story I can remember about my brother. Make 300 copies.


• Buy tissues. This little wedding might make this temporary-6'2 bridesmaid/sister cry like a baby.

Let's Check in With the Neighbors

Last weekend I was in the sun room when I saw my neighbors pull up to their house. Except they didn't really "pull up to the house." The driver (I'll call her "Screamy") stopped the car in the street in front of their house. The passenger (I'll call her "Blank Stare") got out of the car. She picked up the 2x4 they keep in the street--perpendicular to the curb at our property line to separate their parking space from my parking space--and began to "sweep" the wet leaves, dirt, and yucky stuff that accumulates along a curb from their side of the curb to mine.

I watched for half a minute, determining that this was what I was seeing, before going to the front door. I opened my front door wide and stood in the doorway, watching Blank Stare walk around her yard and pick up other leaves and then walk back over to deposit the debris in the little pile she'd made on my curb. I probably stood in the doorway a good two minutes before Screamy spotted me.

"GET IN THE DAMN CAR! SOMEONE'S IN THE HOUSE WATCHING YOU! SO DAMN STUPID! STUPIDEST ________ ________, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE _________!"

Luckily Blank Stare had rolled down the passenger window before getting out, so the screams were nice and loud and clear for me to hear. Screamy went on and on while Blank Stare stood on the lawn and literally shook with fear. Screamy successfully parked the car after a mere 8 attempts at parallel parking, the whole time screaming through the open passenger window at Blank Stare about how stupid she was. After parking and making sure that their car was backed up to the 2x4, they walked up to their house--screaming and shaking, respectively--never once looking over at me, still standing in the wide open doorway.

I have a feeling there's a Dateline episode brewing.

Put That Quote on Your Bulletin Board

We could accomplish world peace if everyone got their daily recommended amount of fiber.
--Jessica

No Toll at the Troll Hole

If you live in the Midwest and you're looking for a fun day trip, might I suggest visiting Alliance, OH for two new attractions, set to open this month. Although Alliance is apparently struggling mightily like a lot of communities, due to the economic downturn, they are investing in a renewed arts district that would make a lot of small towns jealous.

First up on your Alliance itinerary should be the new Cat Fancier's Cat Museum. The Cat Fancier's Association Foundation has collected cat memorabilia and artifacts for the last 20 years. TWENTY YEARS! All the way back to 1991! These things are ANTIQUES! Don't touch! The museum will include a library of over 1500 books on cats. They're also accepting donations, so if you happen to have any priceless kitten "Hang in there!" posters, you might be able to get a tax deduction for your donation.

Next up on your list of activities won't take you very far from the Cat Museum, as it's located in the basement of the building: The Troll Hole. The Troll Hole will showcase those awesome miniature troll dolls, used primarily to ensure you win big money on bingo Friday nights. Local artists are teaming up to create "an enchanted forest complete with faux trees, toadstools, streams, a troll bridge and a troll cafe." You can stroll through the forest and gaze upon the nearly 2,300 troll dolls, owned primarily by one person. I bet all those people who criticized her for investing in troll dolls are kicking themselves now, right??

You might be thinking that it will take a lot of money to turn the basement of a neglected building into an enchanted forest fit for trolls and humans alike. Thankfully the city received an arts grant to finance The Troll Hole. Yes, the local arts foundation gave $1500 to help create this troll utopia.

Might I suggest you seriously start considering that Snapple lid museum you've been dreaming of?

Accessorizing

I might start wearing a tool belt everyday. Here's what I'd keep in my tool belt:

• My Cutco trimmer knife and Santoku knife. Helpful when the problem is trying to open something, chop something, or protect myself.


• A roll of Thin Mints, helpful when the problem seems to be too many vegetables around.


• Credit card, helpful when you need to buy a new pair of cute shoes or an emergency bus ticket to get out of town.


• Roni, helpful when I need a high paw but really, not very helpful for anything else.


• Starbucks Instant Iced Coffee packets, helpful when dealing with people before noon.


• A picture of George Clooney, helpful whenever I start to think life is unfair.


• A Sharpie Ultra Fine Point Marker, because they are the best writing instruments and I never know when I'm going to need to write down


• Hair get, helpful when my head starts to look like a dandelion blowing away in the wind.


• A dictionary, helpful when I suddenly start typing "you're" instead of "your" four times in the same paragraph.

The busiest weekend of my year is over. I feel like I sprinted a marathon. I opened a bottle of Snapple tea today and the lid told me that Roni has 32 muscles in each of her ears.

I'm taking a nap. See you tomorrow.