Never a Bridesmaid

I started writing this post in April. So naturally, I'm finishing it in July. Enjoy!

Last week was a bad one for the Clooney household. All of us were sick in some sort of fashion. George has had a sinus thing for a while, JoJo came down with a fever and eventually a stomach bug. I ended up succumbing to a cold. We all seem to be on the mend but I think George would agree, that a week or two of sleep would definitely help the adults.

Being at home for a few days, I watched a lot of TV. For some reason, one of the channels played the original Ghostbusters movie twice a day for a few days. JoJo watched it, asked for it, can shout "Ghostbusters!" in time to the music...we're very proud over here. The point is not Ghostbusters, though.

Friday, after Ghostbusters was over, Bridesmaids came on afterwards. I was excited, a good reason for another 2 hours not to move off the couch. But I shut it off after 15 minutes. The scene at the engagement party where the 2 lead characters compete to be the "better" friend, the "closer" friend, the more intimate friend, really turned me off. And I've been thinking about it ever since.

I love comedies and feel I have a good sense of humor. I believe that sometimes comedy is uncomfortable and that sometimes, we all need to have a little fun poked at us. That scene of blatant competition, though...hurt. I've been there. Not where I'm singing a cappella and conjugating Spanish verbs at a party, but I've been in that space. That space of feeling like you don't belong, you're the odd man out, you've been left behind, you're on the outside of an inside joke. And it's awful. I had to turn the channel.

I've been trying to work on that feeling (jealousy & inadequacy) and process it with reason rather than emotion. It's not easy. Sometimes it requires more self-reflection and more mantras than I care to admit.

There's a group that I've been a part of for about 4 years now. And I have YET to feel comfortable in this group. I've met one or two people who I connected with, the others I just can't seem to jive with. I feel like I am the opposite of everyone else and I don't fit in. But after talking with a close friend, I've come to the realization that I may FEEL rejected by the group, but in reality...if it wasn't for the one purpose of this group, I wouldn't seek friendship from these people, anyway.

It was liberating. I may be the outsider but I'm ok with being the outsider because I would never choose to be an insider, in this situation. Now, I know every situation is not like this and sometimes, I really really want to be in the inner circle. I don't know the answers, but I know that when I repeat to myself

"I'm an interesting, worthy, and deserving person"

I become a little more centered, a little more confident, and little less likely to try too hard to make myself into something I'm not.

Let's Try This Again

My last blog post was January 11, 2015. That was 2 days before we found out I was pregnant. We'd have a couple more major life events to come--including a new job, a family death, and a move--that would keep us from feeling like we weren't just treading water.

But February 2019 has been good. There are some good changes coming. JoJo (now 3.5 years old) has been to preschool open houses and absolutely loving it. He's been the poster child for sending your kid to school--confidently marching off, holding the teacher's hand, and waving good bye me with a huge smile. The confidence and assurance he possesses, that he's always in good hands and off to experience fun, is all I could wish for him.

It's my goal to write more this year and I had the perfect experience on Wednesday, where I thought "If this isn't a blog story, I don't know what is."

The backstory: George Clooney and I got new phones...2 years ago. My music didn't transfer with the phones and my playlists in iTunes disappeared...I don't know. I didn't have time to figure it all out. So, on my new phone I had a bare minimum amount of my music. Last weekend I spent a couple hours backing up the photos on my phone and decided to try to fix some playlists and get more of my fun music back, which I did.

The story: I work out every weekday at lunch and had just finished my workout on Wednesday. I turned on some of my "new" music while I walked around and stretched and made my way to the locker room. On came Jump, by the Pointer Sisters. So I'm kind of strutting to the locker room, bopping my head, singing in my head.

There was one woman in the locker room drying her hair at the double sided mirrors and there was no one on the other side of the mirrors. So with my headphones in, I proceed to JAM OUT. Not just dance, but completely BUST A MOVE. I'm watching myself in the mirror and dancing TO myself. Like, I'm pointing to myself "...you know my heart, can make you happy. JUMP!" This was dance-like-no-one's-watching dancing.

Except someone WAS watching. Here comes a woman from behind me. And as hard as I was dancing, that's how hard she was cackling at me. She was doubled over, holding her stomach, screaming with laughter. All I could do was throw my hands over my face and laugh and say "ohmygodohmygodohmygod" over and over. She was laughing at me, yes, and I was embarrassed. But when she stopped laughing and I stopped hiding my face, she told me to keep on dancing, that I finished a workout and that's reason enough to celebrate.

There's reasons everyday to celebrate and dance. It's not that I don't see them, I just don't always see them as celebrations. So maybe that's a goal for 2019, and for the blog, as I try to keep this up.

I will see you soon...and hopefully we can dance!

Happy January 11th

One of my New Year's resolutions was to blog everyday. So I'm off to a great start, with the year's first post on January 11th. The situation plays well to my other New Year's resolution--be kind to myself.

This weekend was probably my last weekend of do-nothing-freedom until April, so I spent most of yesterday cleaning up the house and watching "The Affair" on our new (thanks to my brother and sister-in-law) Apple TV. George caught a few episodes with me and we both highly recommend it.

The premise of the show is this: (and I don't think this is a spoiler because the name of the show is--after all--"The Affair") a man vacationing with his family starts an affair with a local woman who is suffering the fallout of her own family tragedy. It's less a story of why the man and woman are destined for each other or a perfect match, and more a study of the multiple forces that could push/lead a person to believe an affair is the answer to their troubles.

The show is very good and I highly recommend it. I'm anxious to see how it turns out and what they do for a second season. However, I also found myself kind of sick while watching the characters set up the upheaval of their loved ones' lives. I turned to George a few times yesterday and said "If you do this to me I'll kill you." We laughed each time I said it--the appropriate response when your perfect match finds the idea of anyone else but you ludicrous.

Jessica's back

Saturday mornings I like to get up early, go get coffee, and then do my grocery shopping. The store is empty, I can roam at my own pace, and rarely do I have to do the grocery-aisle-shuffle:

Scoot to the side, let the other guy by. Scoot to the other side, let the other guy by. "After you." "No, after YOU!"

I was looking at the meat and had the cart parallel to the meat case. My purse was in the top front of the cart, where you would put your child.

I'm examining chicken breasts when I heard a gentleman say "Ma'am?" I turned to face a gray-haired man, normal-looking, with his own shopping cart.

"Yes?"

"You really shouldn't keep your purse in your shopping cart. Someone could just come walking by and take it."

As usual my brain was flooded with dozens of reactions in milliseconds, ranging from a dismissive "Thank you," to a mean "Shut up," to an inflammatory "You seem to know a lot about stealing purses, jerk!!!"

I chose to thank him and then turn my back to him. But he wouldn't be stopped.

"You should really carry your purse on your shoulder. You shouldn't let your purse be more than 1 foot from you at all times. Ma'am? Ma'am? I'm just trying to help you out, someone could come by and snatch your purse."

My fight or flight instincts always tell me to "flight" so I just continued to ignore him. After he walked away, though, I was all "fight." In my head. As I walked the aisles I replayed the scene in my head with all the witty things I SHOULD HAVE said or done. "If I see that guy again, I'm going to drop my purse in his cart and then start screaming that he stole purse." "If I see him again, I'm going to ask to see his Meijer Good Citizenship Badge."

Fate decided that I would get my second chance to hurl a witticism at him. As I was bagging everything, here came the man, walking towards me with his cart.

"Ma'am, I hate to have to tell you again but you're leaving your purse here in your cart."

Because I had prepared a dozen funny/cutting/perfectly scripted things to say back, I turned to him and said

"Thank you for your unsolicited advice!" and turned back to bag groceries. What are you doing??? Yell something funny at him!! I screamed in my head.

"I'm sorry but you really need to learn that people will steal your purse..."

"Thank you!!!" This time, I added a little sarcasm and a little exasperation.

He got the hint and walked away. Meanwhile, I began to contemplate the ramifications of notifying someone at Meijer that the elderly gentleman in the gray sweatsuit was harassing me. Again...I chose to "flight."

Fate must've been in a feisty mood that morning, because as I walked out the doors I saw the guy loading his bags into his car. Which was parked immediately next to my car. I slumped over the handlebars of my cart, not believing the odds. I chose "flight" for the last time that morning, standing in the vestibule until he had loaded up and driven away.

On the way home I called George and told him the truth: that I'd almost "thrown down" with an old guy at Meijer. I told him about the purse lecture and George just laughed and laughed. "You're ALWAYS yelling that I've moved the cart too far away from you. You watch your purse like a HAWK!"

I hope to see this guy again. I'll show him how I now wear my purse tied up around my neck.

Ch ch ch changes

As the year comes to a close and the New Year approaches, there is much to contemplate. Endings, beginnings, fresh starts, continuations, settling in, getting comfortable, feeling uprooted...lots of juxtapositions.

In a little less than a month I'll say goodbye to a place I've worked for nearly 10 years. (15 days shy of 10 years, to be exact) I'll be starting the new year with a new job, doing something COMPLETELY different, with new people and new routines. I'm excited, bold, confident, ... self-conscious, shy, and teary, all at the same time.

Perhaps it's a good thing that life is so incredibly busy right now that I don't have much time to let these changes stew inside me. I must keep marching on, meeting deadlines, planning, making dinner and washing the dishes, testing, presenting, and fulfilling all my obligations.

In the meantime,

How do you know an accountant is on vacation?

She comes in after 8am and isn't wearing a suit!

Ha ha! Groan....

Expert Opinion

My family has a thing for cardinals. Stick a cardinal on something and the odds that we'll buy it have automatically increased 10-fold. Christmas time is always a good time to stock up on cardinals and my Christmas decorations are proof of that. I've got a tree full of cardinals, I've got cardinal clocks, picture frames, candles, candle holders, candle warmers, wreaths, mugs, plates, snow globes, figurines, napkins, napkin rings, dish clothes, magnets, hand towels, soap pumps, and cookie cutters. My collection is vast and carefully curated. So I am qualified to make the following judgement.

This

is the worst cardinal I've ever seen. 

Shame shame Target.

October. The Orange Month

Sorry I had to lock down the blog. But let's get to know each other again. Soon.