Last week was a bad one for the Clooney household. All of us were sick in some sort of fashion. George has had a sinus thing for a while, JoJo came down with a fever and eventually a stomach bug. I ended up succumbing to a cold. We all seem to be on the mend but I think George would agree, that a week or two of sleep would definitely help the adults.
Being at home for a few days, I watched a lot of TV. For some reason, one of the channels played the original Ghostbusters movie twice a day for a few days. JoJo watched it, asked for it, can shout "Ghostbusters!" in time to the music...we're very proud over here. The point is not Ghostbusters, though.
Friday, after Ghostbusters was over, Bridesmaids came on afterwards. I was excited, a good reason for another 2 hours not to move off the couch. But I shut it off after 15 minutes. The scene at the engagement party where the 2 lead characters compete to be the "better" friend, the "closer" friend, the more intimate friend, really turned me off. And I've been thinking about it ever since.
I love comedies and feel I have a good sense of humor. I believe that sometimes comedy is uncomfortable and that sometimes, we all need to have a little fun poked at us. That scene of blatant competition, though...hurt. I've been there. Not where I'm singing a cappella and conjugating Spanish verbs at a party, but I've been in that space. That space of feeling like you don't belong, you're the odd man out, you've been left behind, you're on the outside of an inside joke. And it's awful. I had to turn the channel.
I've been trying to work on that feeling (jealousy & inadequacy) and process it with reason rather than emotion. It's not easy. Sometimes it requires more self-reflection and more mantras than I care to admit.
There's a group that I've been a part of for about 4 years now. And I have YET to feel comfortable in this group. I've met one or two people who I connected with, the others I just can't seem to jive with. I feel like I am the opposite of everyone else and I don't fit in. But after talking with a close friend, I've come to the realization that I may FEEL rejected by the group, but in reality...if it wasn't for the one purpose of this group, I wouldn't seek friendship from these people, anyway.
It was liberating. I may be the outsider but I'm ok with being the outsider because I would never choose to be an insider, in this situation. Now, I know every situation is not like this and sometimes, I really really want to be in the inner circle. I don't know the answers, but I know that when I repeat to myself
"I'm an interesting, worthy, and deserving person"
I become a little more centered, a little more confident, and little less likely to try too hard to make myself into something I'm not.
No comments:
Post a Comment